You Won't Let Me Fall

Poetry

Wednesday, 02 May 2012 12:06

Not sure if this was character inspired or not. Could actually fit a few characters, but part of it definitely comes from me. I love my fiance. He's an amazing man.

You Won't Let Me Fall

When I woke up
Yesterday seemed astray
And I can't help
Feeling like I'm lost today

You opened
The door to me
And I faltered
Hesitated to believe you

I... just can't go along
I... just can't trust myself
I... wanted to believe
You'd let me go
But you won't.

You won't let me fall
You won't let me fall...
You won't let me fall
You should let me fall
You should let me...

I cried a thousand tears today
There'll be a million more
I tried to put myself together
But I've lost myself again

And you still say I'm beautiful
Even though the monster lurks
And you say, I'm a miracle
But I feel like a curse

You opened up that door for me
And I tried to shut it all down
I can't believe anything
Reality is bleeding me

But you...
You won't let me fall
No you...
You won't let me fall
Oh you
You should let me fall
But you...
You...

I want to fall
I want to fall...
I want to let it all go
Watch the world pass me by
I want to fall...
But you won't let me
Go, you won't let me
No, you won't let me
No, you won't let me fall

When I woke up today
Yesterday seemed so far away

No Turning Back

Poetry

Friday, 27 April 2012 13:10

Had to write something today. Hoping to get some of the crap out of my head that has built up this week. 

This is far too gone
Gone on way too long
There's no turnin' back
You can't make me, or break me now

I'm not goin' back
Never gonna turn your way again
All the things you said
Burn inside my head
There's no turning back now

Thought you could apologize
Say a "sorry" with your lying eyes
Bullshit can't fake your way through this
So don't even try

So fuck everything you have done
This ain't a battle you have won
You're fighting against the walls
All those walls I built to protect me
...from you
And your ignorant ways
Your childish fears

So when you think this is done
Just know that I'm not going back now
This is far too gone
Gone on way too long
There's no turning back now

I'm afraid that when I look behind me
I'll see all the shit I've done wrong
And then you'll remind me of it all
Point out the blame, and just start up this game again

So I'm gone
I've got to get gone
So I'm gone
I've got to get done

Put all this bullshit behind me
Stop tryin' to deal with you anymore
There is no turning back now
Cuz I am much stronger
And I will last longer
The fight and the pain and the...
Fuck you, I'm movin' on

It's Just Like You

Poetry

Monday, 16 April 2012 16:28

It's just like you
You're every... every...
It's just like you
You're every... ever

Oh, it's just like you
To waste away the day
It's just like you
To sit inside your head
And let the world pass you by

Never taking chances, only standing still
Can't reveal the one within
Can't be moved to live
It's only wondering
What to do...

It's just like you
To wish upon a star
It's just like you
To hide behind the moon
It's just like you
To wish upon the burning scars
It's just like you
To never leave your room

Never trying, always crying
Know inside, that you are dying
But...
It's just like you
To never care
Enough to even dare
To step out of the light that blinds you
Move on passed the darkness in you

It's just like you
You're every... every...
It's just like you
You're every... everlasting lie

/stressed

Blog

Monday, 16 April 2012 13:33

Ok, feel the need to rant today. Just cuz. Honestly, it's not like anything super bad happened, but I just need to get it out.

First off, fuck you Monday.

Second, fuck this remodel. Work is shit right now. Damn store is going through a remodel, and it looks like absolute hell in there. Everything is jacked up, and oh yeah, part of my section that I have to work in is the "transition area". That means that random shit is there as they move things around and install new shelving. What does that mean? It means that we have less room for shit, and the fucking moronic overnighters are in the way in the morning. Seriously, I have only really had to deal with some of those people for two days and I already want to kill them for their stupidity. I can call it a heroic act. Saving humanity or something. I mean, come on, really? Some of these people are soooo fucking slow, or just completely stand around like a flock of inbred pigeons. You are here. DO YOUR FUCKING JOB. The first day they were there, it wasn't too bad. I mean, the girls "working" there were obnoxious as fuck, and every little highschool cheerleader giggle I heard made me want to scream and shove their face in a blender... But at least they weren't in our way. Today? Yeah... They just made me homicidal. It sucks when you get a ton of shit to work out in your area. It sucks even more when stupid bitches are in the fucking way and you can't do your work properly. Seriously. Fuck off.

Guh. This shit is going to damage my alcohol supplies severely in the next few weeks. I'm not sure how far we are in the remodel, but there is still way too much time to go on it. That means stress levels will be super high and probably just keep me miserable. So fuck that. Coffee with RumChata might be the new afterwork relaxation drink.

Ok, work rant done. On to something else... Lack of motivation. Yeah, it's like a permanent state for me. Had a thought earlier to use my punching bag when I got home to destress. Course, the immediate thought following it was "I'll be too fucking tired to do that so fuck it.". Talked myself out of it within a split second. I hate that I can do that so fast. I always get into the whole "what's the point?" mode, and then just give up before even starting. That's kinda what I've been doing with my writing. Well, "writing". Can't really say I'm a writer, since I haven't written shit. /sigh. Too scared to put my characters out in the world I think. I mean, if they get out there and they aren't liked, or they get fucked with by some stupid fan fiction bullshit... Yeah, not cool.

Hmm, let's see... What else can I bitch about today? The weather? It's fucking cold. Bleh. Gaming? Ah, yes, gaming. Well, it's more like time. Time is the bane of my gaming life. I'm not talking about video games. I'm talking vamps. The "writing" project. Timewise, we just don't have enough. I hate that it takes so fucking long to get through things, but at the same time, I love the character interaction. That's the whole point of doing this. The characters. The relationships. The development. Can't develop shit if you just skip through everything. /sigh. I know I have made this way too complicated for gaming. There are just so many characters and interesting stories to deal with.

So, downside? I have people losing interest. Granted, we've done this for like two years now, but still. Kinda sucks. Personally, I liked the schedule. One day a week. Everyone gets together, rants about the week, then we go into vamp mode and have a little fun. Course, real life interferes, as well as other interests. People want to do other things that day. It sucks that one little comment about it can fuck me up so bad. My damn brain takes it as a personal insult, even though I know it wasn't meant like that. Yet, I can't shake it. Shows how fucking insecure I am, doesn't it? Someone would rather do something else for once instead of gaming, and my brain twists that into "You must be bored of my shit". Instantly, I go into a spiral of horrible thoughts analyzing my story, characters, DM style, etc just trying to find out what's wrong with it. I swear, my brain loves looking for flaws. Just can't stop pointing them out. Ever.

Right, now that I've depressed myself instead of making myself feel better by writing this all out... I think it's time for that Rumchata coffee.

(Fuck = used 16 times in this blog. ...17)